Week 250: Oh, Great


Wouldn't it be great if the next time the stock market takes a big dip, instead of assuring the public that our economy is "fundamentally sound," President Clinton announced he was converting all his savings into rubles?

Wouldn't it be great if right before her next TV special, Martha Stewart got a huge, drippy zit right on the end of her nose?

Wouldn't it be great if you were at a modern-art opening and all of a sudden the artist, zipping along under the influence of cheap white zinfandel, suddenly exclaimed, "You stupid, rich idiots! Can't you see I couldn't draw my way out of a paper bag?"

Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that "Love Story" was really based on the life of J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson? 

Wouldn't it be great if it were customary to pop cigars into the mouths of newborn babies?

This week's contest: Complete the sentence "Wouldn't it be great if . . . " First-prize winner gets a gigantic, vintage 1970s yellow ceramic smiley-face cookie jar with the inscription "Have a Happy Day!"

This is worth $ 30.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 250, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Jan. 5. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. If you want to know the truth, today's crummy ear was written by John Kammer of Herndon, like anybody gives a crap. Next week: Hallmark card ear credit. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 247, in which we asked you to create a romantic twosome and come up with a song that should not be played at their wedding.

-- Fourth Runner-Up --

President Clinton and Paula Jones: "It's Not Unusual" (Pete Levitas, Washington)

-- Third Runner-Up --

A couple at the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's mass wedding:

"Hello, I Love You (Won't You Tell Me Your Name?)" (Russ Beland, Springfield)

-- Second Runner-Up --

John Bobbitt and Christine Jorgenson: "Yes, We Have No Bananas"

(Rick Prouser, Lake Oswego, Ore.)

-- First Runner-Up --

Henry Cisneros and Linda Medlar: "There's a Kind of Hush"

(David Kleinbard, Silver Spring; Cheryl C. Kagan, Rockville)

-- And the winner of the Marine Corps pillow:

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head: The theme from "M*A*S*H" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

-- Honorable Mentions:

Tammy Faye Bakker and Michael Jackson: "Maybellene" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Adam and Eve: "It Had to Be You"

(Russ Beland, Springfield)

Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky: "Catch a Falling Star" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Rin-Tin-Tin and Lassie: "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" or "Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Oedipus and Jocasta: "I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl Who Married Dear Old Dad"

(Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)

John and Patsy Ramsey: "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter"

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Marion Barry and Rasheeda Moore: "The Bitch Is Back" (George Kaye, Silver Spring; Brooks E. Bowers, Gaithersburg)

Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin: "Hooked on a Feeling" (Jeff and Veronica Renner, Herndon)

Buddy Holly and Amelia Earhart: "Leaving on a Jet Plane (Don't Know When I'll Be Back Again)" (Philip Vitale, Arlington)

Richard Nixon and Rose Mary Woods: "Wipeout" (Jim and Dana MacMillan, Silver Spring)

Jack Kevorkian and Sunny von Bulow: "You Take My Breath Away" (Jim and Dana Macmillan, Silver Spring; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Julius and Ethel Rosenberg: "Electric Boogie" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Tammy Faye Bakker and Ru Paul: "The Tracks of My Tears" (Carrie Perry, Hamilton, Va.)

Java Man and Lucy: "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" (Michelle and Warren Uhler, Fort Washington)

Kurt Stand and Theresa Squillacote: "Do You Want to Know a Secret" (Michelle and Warren Uhler, Fort Washington)

John Hinckley and Squeaky Fromme: "Still Crazy After All These Years" (David John DeCouto, Gaithersburg)

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles: "She's Gone" (David Genser, Arlington)

Bill Cosby and Shawn Upshaw: "Yessir, That's My Baby" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Sticker Schlock